Monday, February 9, 2009

Why I Choose to Torture Myself

As I sit here eating wasabi peas for breakfast, my mouth in flames and eyes brimming with tears, I want to touch upon why people choose to make things harder for themselves. Take me for instance.

I could easily choose not to write letter after letter to agents who, let's face it, are interested in vampires only these days (thanks a lot Stephenie Meyer...) and who have no problems in rejecting me. I could choose not to sit up late almost every night figuring out the right hook for said letters. I could choose not to obsess over what time I should send these letters (first thing Monday morning? Or after lunch? What about afternoon burn-out time, where an agent will find my query inspiring and motivational? Decisions decisions...).

Anyway, you get the point. I was perfectly happy in my little bubble of a world, where all I needed to worry about was what Abby was going to have for lunch (mac and cheese), if I scheduled her doc appointments (not yet), and if I let the dog out (a half hour ago). See? Simplicity.

Instead I have turned my insides upside down and now can't sleep, can't focus on anything but words words words, and will only eat things that require one hand as the other is tap tap tapping away at my keyboard. I was up at 4:30 this morning writing in the dark because I thought I had a good idea for my revision. And now, even as I write this, my head hurts thinking about a second novel. Why have I chosen to do this to myself? ARGH!

I told my husband the other day that I've never felt so...excited. So nervous. So perched on a threshold, ready to fall. I don't know this feeling. I've never felt it before. Everything else in my life I've always been confident of, so self-assured. This whole writing thing-not so much. I don't know the outcome. I am unsure of acceptance. And I'm scared of rejection. But I can't stop thinking of how cool it all is. I don't know what's past the threshold. But my husband said something that I'm trying to remember through all this. And it's that I have nothing to lose. He's right. So I'm just going to let myself go, and try to enjoy the freefall for what it is: an awesome and thrilling ride.

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